My husband is having an unusual issue: During the day he cannot get an erection, but at night he has no problem getting hard. It hasn't always been this way with him, just within the last two years. He is 48 with no underlying health conditions, so I'm stumped as to why his dick seemingly goes dormant during daylight hours. Have you ever heard of this sort of thing before? Can you suggest any solutions? Waiting until after dark to get laid is becoming rather old.
Generally, when seeming erectile dysfunction presents in some situations and not others, it is believed to be some kind of psychological manifestation. That your husband can get erections sometimes suggests that his body is in working order. Still, he's seen a change in his functioning so visiting a urologist to get some blood work done might not be a bad idea. Testosterone levels tend to peak in the morning, so maybe this issue is related to your husband's circadian rhythm? That said, my go-to urology source, Charles Welliver, director of men's health at Albany Medical College, told me he hadn't heard of what you describe, and he's treated a lot of guys in this area.
If your husband hasn't tried any ED interventions, like PDE5 inhibitors (such as tadalafil and sildenafil) or a cockring, for his daytime droop, he should consider them. Even if his issue is rooted in psychology, ED meds can help by taking some stress off the situation (stress is a huge boner killer). Otherwise, if he's working sometimes and not others, you know when penetration is possible. Do it then, and be happy that you're getting laid at all.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 20-year-old male. I have only really had one sexual relationship when I was younger, and I'm not sure if what we did qualifies as virginity-taking.
You see, we were older teens (she was 18, was 19, and we had a kink for sneaking off and making out and doing hand stuff.) This lasted for about a month, and I never came, and neither did she. The most we ever did is when I gently licked her vagina, and she gave me a tiny bit of oral. No climaxes or even edging.
What "counts" when it comes to losing virginity is highly subjective. Some feel that penis-in-vagina sex is defining, and that literally anything else can be done (including anal penetration) while preserving one's technical virginity. Hence the stories about young, unmarried religious people taking it up the butt in service of maintaining their supposed purity. I find that ridiculous, as anal is advanced (in terms of both normative sexual behavior and the knowledge it takes to keep things poop-free and, more importantly, relax enough to enjoy it) -- it's more hardcore than PIV.
But even if we were to expand that limited definition to include sex in which a penis penetrates a vagina or an anus, we're then leaving out major segments of the population. Lesbians, for example, the bulk of whom don't have penises and nonetheless are absolutely having sex. Sides, too, get the short shrift there. If a guy posts up at a gloryhole and sucks a dozen dicks in an afternoon but still hasn't had one in his butt, is he not far off from being a modern mother Mary? If so, what is the actual point of that virgin/pure designation if it's a mere technicality that leaves out veritable cock pigs?
The behavior you describe is absolutely sexual and I would argue that it constitutes sex -- hand stuff and oral. With that, you crossed a threshold from someone who had never had contact with someone else's genitals/someone else's parts on your genitals to someone who had. Your lack of orgasms during these encounters is neither here nor there -- plenty of penetrative sex doesn't result in orgasm and it's still sex. Would I say you're especially sexually experienced? Well, no. It seems that you are early on your journey and beyond all the stuff that you haven't (yet?) tried, you have only had one partner. Still, you have some experience. However you want to classify that is up to you. Culturally, we have invested in the concept of virginity so much that a single act can supposedly change you/your life, but the fact is that, like anything, sexual activity is on a spectrum. You may not have made gold, but you have certainly played the game, at least in my view.
The columnists behind our advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!
Dear How to Do It,
I have been married for almost three decades to an amazing woman who is seven years older than me. I'm in my early 50s now. We have a fantastic marriage. We're very much in love, we have great kids, we are both very physical and healthy, enjoy our lives, we're on the same page about almost everything. It's kind of amazing. The only "problem" is a stark libido mismatch.
Post-menopause, my wife has ZERO libido. I mean, as in, sex might as well be an abstract concept for her. She's not against it, she has no problem with it, it just ... isn't on her mind. The absence of sex in her and our life is not an issue for her. I should stress that she is quite sensual. She would happily have me rub her legs, arms, or back for hours at a time -- it's simply not sexual. She just doesn't get horny anymore.
I, on the other hand, have an extremely high libido/sex drive. I think about sex all the time, and have an active and elaborate fantasy life. I masturbate to climax, on average, at least twice a day, and there is a part of my brain that reflexively imagines having sex with virtually every healthy woman I encounter.
This wasn't an issue when we were younger, because although her drive was always lower than mine (for example, she didn't masturbate for pleasure), my wife absolutely did enjoy sex, and we had great sex together, as much of it as she wanted, which was of reasonable frequency, if not as much as I would have liked. I would just masturbate to make up the gap, as it were, and I feel like each session of partner sex "counted" for more than a masturbation session, in terms of sating my desires.
At this point, though, we haven't had penetrative sex in years. (It's quite painful for her, which is an instant buzzkill for me, of course.) Once in a while, always at my urging, she will be next to me touching me while I masturbate. FWIW, this doesn't seem to arouse her at all and she doesn't join in. I always get the sense that it is something she is indifferent to, but is willing to put up with because she loves me. Once in a longer while we will masturbate together, or she will let me please her orally. She appears to have GREAT orgasms when she does this, but it only happens when I gently press her -- she has never once suggested it. From her perspective, I think sex has become kind of like, "I don't enjoy that band, you should go to their concert by yourself and have fun."
So, I'm kind of frustrated and at an impasse. She's hot as hell (I am too), and I would have sex with her daily if I could. I would also never do anything to hurt her, so extramarital sex without her permission is out of the question, and she is never going to give that permission. Me having sex with someone else would powerfully hurt her feelings. She's also never going to sign off on a threesome, or watching me with someone, which might seem like intermediary possibilities. I am 100 percent confident I could fuck someone else recreationally without it impacting my love for her, but it would have to be with her full knowledge and approval -- I couldn't have that secret between us. So she's kind of trapped me.
We've talked a bit about therapy, hormones, etc., but fundamentally, the issue as I see it is that she doesn't see that there is any problem to solve! And arguably, there isn't! I wouldn't try to turn someone asexual into someone sexual if I had just started dating. It's a mismatch. Why should she have to change for me? I don't want to be selfish. But I would like to have sex again with someone who is both enjoying it and who wants me.
Is there anything to be done? Or am I fated to this status quo?
Have you shared your actual, explicitly stated feelings with your wife? I realize they are implied with your, as you put it, pressing, but have you actually said to her, "Sex is really important to me, and I would like to be actually having it"? Is she aware of how often you are masturbating? Within a compassionate couple, a chronic issue for one is a chronic issue for both. I'm not talking about instances like you're upset because your favorite team lost the game this week while she just can't be bothered with sports. I mean fundamental stuff that involves both of you as a couple and remains unresolved. It's a bit disconcerting that her attitude may be, "If it's not a problem for me, it's not a problem, period." At minimum, she has a responsibility to take you seriously.
If you haven't shared with her the contents of your letter as they describe your condition, you should do so. You might not want to share the whole thing (like the part about your ability to have sex with someone else without it impacting your relationship or feeling trapped), but there is a lot that you've put down to make a compelling case. In light of that, I would love to know what she thinks you should do. Maybe her answer is, "Just go without," but even that could spark a more in depth conversation. Or conversations. Don't think of this as a one-and-done check-in, but instead, as a potential ongoing series of talks. The problem is not going to get better for you until an alternate decision is made, so buckle up.
Regarding your nudging toward non-monogamy and her resistance, it's hard for me to tell from your letter what is projection and what is reporting. If there is any ambiguity on that subject -- that is, if the conversation hasn't been shut down by her explicitly saying, "We can never have an open relationship and just bringing it up will cause strain on our dynamic" -- discuss. Even if you've talked out the feelings part of this stuff, the practical element is missing. What are you supposed to do? Her answer need not be definitive -- it could be the opening to a new chapter of interacting.
-- Rich
After the birth of our child, my wife stopped personal grooming. It was fine and I'd since gotten used to it, but I'd mentioned that it made things easier for me if she were better groomed. She gladly obliged and made a joking comment, like, "Now you can see better." My idiot self replied: "And the smell's better too!" Ever since then she hasn't want to have sex. What should I do?