I listened as I always do. Here was the story of a broken heart due to past shortcomings. As I listened, I realized his narrative was different than most. Most talk about what they lost and how they regret not appreciating it. Here it was different. It was not about what was lost. It was about the desire to do something to make amends. Here in resides the paramount difference between regret and atonement."
FOCUSED ON SELF NOT ANOTHER
Regret is a feeling all will come to know. Whether it is through complacency, misuse or lack of awareness -- all who lack the virtue of gratitude will experience regret. Let's establish the correct definition of regret. Let's not fall into the trap of making up our own meaning of words to support our own opinions.
Those feeling hurt often make the mistake of desiring their offender to feel what they feel (or to a greater extent).
At worst this is selfish and at best self centered. Both don't ring good when you say it out loud. This is true even if the offender agrees not to do something again in order to avoid the same consequences.
According to this logic one avoids the action solely to avoid personal negative feelings.
Again, it's self-centered (even if it benefits the other) as no one actually considers what is required to amend the situation. That takes something else to get real change. All it takes is for one to no longer feel bad about it to continue doing it. That's a very slippery slope to be walking a relationship on.
FOCUSED ON ANOTHER NOT SELF
What a person who causes distress of another should seek to do is repair and restore another. This is called reparation. The feeling one feels when they desire to repair and restore another as a consequence of their behavior/action is called "Atonement".
Atonement means reparation for an offense or injury. (4)
This is when someone genuinely seeks to repair, amend or give satisfaction for a wrong. Recognizing something as wrong is a true sign of inner growth. It means the person convinced themselves that what was done should not be done at all.
It's a sign of growth. If you are hurt by someone, you should look for someone to change their values not to continue hurting you -- not change their feelings. Feelings are like the wind. Depending on what time of the day they blow all over the place. It's both unwise and unfair to subject your heart to decisions based on the unpredictable.
· It is a form of commitment. When a person changes their values it affects their inner person. This is about committing to themselves to alter their values for the betterment of all. A better person is what all people should strive for. People can get better every day. Atoning shows a person's personal commitment to get better at a relationship.
· It creates a resilient relationship. Enduring heart aches, ignorant mistreatment, and challenging emotions serve as living proof your relationship is tangible. As negative situations are bound to occur while you learn each other you and your partner enhance: grace, humility, kindness and love. If the offender consistently seeks to atone it can elevate your relationship to an untouchable plateau instead of tearing it down. It is the opposite of destruction, it builds an unshakable foundation which prevents destruction by others. It is true irony.
· It gives clarity on value from both sides. Instead of looking to feel better a person seeks to be better. Personal growth and development occur during adversity. Adversity in a relationship can be used to build each other. Atonement creates a foundation of confidence because one realizes the work required to maintain a valuable item and the other recognizes the effort another puts into maintaining the value.
Three Ways To Reinforce Acceptance (Use Them)
1. Ask Yourself How Long Will It Last. Assess the value of a behavior by putting into perspective how long the situation will last. Typically, things are over faster than you make them seem. This is especially true when your negative situation is only one argument, one sentence or one action. Don't let the past live in the present. There's no value to that. Your negative emotions are like the weather. It might rain all day but it's only one day not your entire life.
2. Use Cause & Effect Logic. Always try and use your rationale mind. See if the effects of your choice are positive. If you choose to forgive you demonstrate temperance, a coveted virtue in romantic relationships. If you choose kindness instead of equity (i.e. you yelled so I yell) the virtue of grace is your reward. Grace is doing something you don't have to. Be graceful.
3. Ask Yourself The Question. An easy way to stop an emotional rollercoaster is to self-centeredly ask yourself, "What do I want from this exchange?". Your mind will find an answer quickly. Than ask, "Is what I'm feeling going to get me what I want?". If it is no, than change your mood to get what you want. It's an incredibly powerful tool which gets you out of a negative space quickly if the negative space is not giving you what you want. We all want what we want. It requires little willpower to choose a feeling which gets you what you want. Try it.
The Value of This Philosophy
· Positive Self-Help Interventions can be helpful to reduce depressive symptoms. (5)
· Emotional Reappraisal changes the way one thinks about feelings and as a result it can contribute positively to one's emotional intelligence. (6)
· This turns a common impediment into a powerful tool. Humans are notoriously self-centered. This takes the human fallacy of thinking selfishly and repurposes it into a positive tool which grounds you back to stability. The obstacle becomes the way. (7)
IN CLOSING
I do not wish my personal circumstances on anyone. It is for this reason that now I am the ultimate authority on what not to do. My much-anticipated new book "Turning Indictments To Dollars" talks about how to avoid the pitfalls I suffered. If you are accused of something you know you didn't do -- this book will offer you the path which grants you success. Trust me you will want to Sign up for free during the pre-release period to take advantage of unique $0.99 pricing on launch.
Sign up for free to listen free of charge to my chapter in "Many Paths To Profit". You can pick up a copy of my international best-selling and award winning book, "I Made It Then I Didn't" as well for a deeper insight.
The concept I teach in this article is free. Some of my personal stories are not free of charge as everything costs something. The techniques I discuss in this article I use. The purpose of reading this is to teach people how to stop mislabeling their emotions.
If you are experiencing betrayal or hurt in a relationship, it's critical you read this. It's important you don't lump complexities into a single word. It creates confusion for everyone. A lack of vocabulary to express a proper feeling, thought or idea might just make you miss out on the best relationship of your life. One of growth (not comfort). Let me know in the comments if this article was helpful.
1) The life of Christopher Knight Lopez a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of "I Made It Then I Didn't".
2) Merriam Webster. Definition of Regret. Merriam Webster Dictionary. Web Search. Web Link: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/regret. Accessed 18 Apr 2025.
3) Merriam Webster. Definition of Sorrow. Merriam Webster Dictionary. Web Search. Web Link: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sorrow#h1. Accessed 18 Apr 2025.
4) Merriam Webster. Definition of Atonement. Merriam Webster Dictionary. Web Search. Web Link: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reparation. Accessed 18 Apr 2025.
5) Bolier L, Haverman M, Westerhof GJ, Riper H, Smit F, Bohlmeijer E. Positive psychology interventions: a meta-analysis of randomized controlled studies. BMC Public Health. 2013 Feb 8;13:119. doi: 10.1186/1471-2458-13-119. PMID: 23390882; PMCID: PMC3599475.
6) Mayer JD, Salovey P, & Caruso DR, 2004. Emotional intelligence: Theory, findings, and implications. Psychological Inquiry 15, 197-215.
7) Marcus Aurelius. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. The New Translation By Del Ray Kochon. Decameron Books. ISBN 978-1-936767-79-3
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Not a form of investment advice. Please consult a professional registered to give you advice about your individual circumstance. This article is for educational purposes and entertainment purposes only. Please do not email the author about advice on investing or strategies on making investments. Certain elements of this narrative may have been fictionalized to convey message points. This is a work of artistic expression not a narrative of fact. Strictly for entertainment and informational purposes only.
About Christopher: Christopher Knight Lopez is a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller, Award Winner of the December 2024 prestigious International Impact Book Awards -- a premier award program dedicated to celebrating and recognizing the exceptional work of authors around the globe and Published Author of "I Made It Then I Didn't". He is also a Co-Author with Kevin "The Shark" Harrington "Many Paths To Profit". See more at www.christopherklopez.com.
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