I found that the holidays can be a tricky time for those of us who have loved ones with dementia. And though my mom is no longer here, I still find this time of year can be fraught.

I found that the holidays can be a tricky time for those of us who have loved ones with dementia. And though my mom is no longer here, I still find this time of year can be fraught.

As I've shared before, we made adjustments over the years, according to Mom's abilities and tolerance, striking a careful balance between what my daughter and I wanted to share with her and what Mom could handle.

Then, when Mom moved into memory care, we had a new hurdle to think out, much like the debate over whether or not, and if so how, to handle doctor visits (which I recently wrote about in this blog). Ultimately we chose not to take Mom out of memory care for the holidays.

We had already drastically pared down Mom's interactions in the final few years she was at home.

On Thanksgiving, Dad kept her home, away from the huge family crowd after a year when we realized it was overwhelming for her. On Christmas Day, Dad took Mom to my aunt's that evening for yummy leftovers, after most of the family crowd had left.

Once she advanced to being in memory care, we knew taking Mom out for celebrations would not be in her best interest. That was hard. We wanted her there in the middle of everything. But even the smaller crowd of Dad, me, my husband and daughter, along with my brother and his wife and children, would be overstimulating for Mom.

Once again we made a choice that was sad for us but best for her. Alicia and I went over to memory care on Christmas Eve morning and colored gingerbread pages with her during their activity time. The director played Christmas music, and we had an absolutely wonderful time.

Honestly, Mom did not know what day Christmas was. She just enjoyed having fun with the nice people around her. That might seem cruel, but it's actually the kindest thing, letting her staying in her peaceful environment that felt safe to her.

[DISCLAIMER: Some residents could tolerate going out for holiday events. Every family should make their own individual decision.]

My Mom passed in early December 2022. I really don't remember much about that Christmas. It was a blur. Last year I still felt a little stunned. And this year feels tough. But I have made some adaptations that are helping me.

I have been listening to different Christmas music than my usual, because my old standard tunes are too hard. A lovely work friend has a quirky, fun countdown of her favs each year, and I love those playlists.

The year Mom passed all I could tolerate were old black and white holiday movies. Those types of movies were her favorite, so searched for ones I had not seen recently. They were unfamiliar but familiar. I felt like I was with her.

It is important to me not to let the holidays go because of missing Mom. I KNOW she would not want that. Plus, that's not fair to my daughter. I can still find joy and hold grief in the same season. It's a tricky tightrope.

One sure fire way to get through is to give myself space to be alone. I found that true both when Mom was in the grips of dementia and now that she is gone. So wherever you are on the continuum, give yourself a minute to breathe here and there during this holiday season. That small reset can help temper the hardships, and the joy, this time of year can bring.